My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
