The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
