I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
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