why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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