a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
