dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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