I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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