What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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