WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
