Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
