There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
