dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
