p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So apparently I’m into choking now
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
