How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
time to smoke my breakfast
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
