He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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