he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Boobs are out for the taking
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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