I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
