toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
