There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
