a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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