im drinking this country out of the recession.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
