Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
