The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
