did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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