I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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