so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
