she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
