She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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