i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
