So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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