My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
