The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
