I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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