Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
