Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
