Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
