Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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