I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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