just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
