I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
