swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
