And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
