And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
