Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
