I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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