dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
