Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
