Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
