WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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