Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
