a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
