I wanna passion pit in your ass
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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