a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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