I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You are the jesus of drinking
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
