Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
