If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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